Am I Reinforcing the Self by Speaking?
Something I keep coming back to, again and again...
Something I keep coming back to, again and again, is this question:
Am I somehow keeping the selfing-mechanism alive by engaging in these kinds of conversations? By writing? By responding? By guiding?
It’s not a hypothetical question. It’s a felt one. Because sometimes after I speak, especially in dialogues where there's some kind of tension or disagreement, I feel a kind of dirtiness afterward. Not guilt. Just this subtle sense that I had to reassemble a “me” in order to meet the moment.
Even if I’m aware of it while it’s happening, the movement still plays out. A center quietly forms. A position takes shape. Something hardens, even if just a little. And the silence that was there before becomes veiled.
I’ve had periods where I didn’t want to speak about any of this at all. Where talking felt like a step away from something truer. And other times, it felt completely natural to express. Clean. Effortless. Enjoyable, even. So it’s not black and white.
But still, this question lingers in the background. And maybe it’s why so many traditions warn against becoming a speaker or guide too soon. Because if the sense of self hasn’t fully lost its ground, the act of speaking, especially when others are listening, can quietly reinforce what’s already unraveling.
I don’t feel like I’m pretending to be someone. But I can feel how easily the structure of interaction invites that someone to return. Even if just for a moment.
I don’t know what the answer is. Maybe it’s not about never speaking. Maybe it’s about staying brutally honest in the moments after. Watching what lingers. Feeling whether anything tightened. And being willing to stop mid-sentence if the movement doesn’t feel clean.
If this path has shown me anything, it’s that pretending to be free is way more painful than admitting you’re still dissolving.
So that’s where I’m moving from these days. Letting silence have more space. Letting words come when they feel honest. And watching what they leave behind without turning it into a big deal.
Thanks for reading.
Hi Marius, I love this post. It invites me to explore what I think of that and what may be in store for me. I'm also aware of 'selfing' as it happens ...
I appreciate and value the calm way that you share/guide and I enjoy seeing where 'you're' at, it's very helpful to hear these expressions even though it may not all be figured out yet.
Thank you for sharing.
Hi Marius. I don't know if you will read this, because I know this isn't your latest, most up-to-date article. I've wondered the same thing.
Does the illusion of being a separate self become reinforced by simply speaking to other people? If we speak, we have to use personal pronouns and the human mind has it's acquired mental habits, patterns, conditioning and tendencies....
The writings of Adyashanti have been my introduction to this kind of existential spirituality. Having said this, one thing Adya has said is that "There is a difference between ego as function and ego as identity" I see what he is pointing to with this. I still have to work for a living; when I interact with others at work I have to use personal pronouns in speaking. Does the use of personal pronouns in speech reinforce and continue to perpetuate the mental construct and illusion of a "me" and "I"?
Maybe what matters is where we are coming from in saying what we say regardless of the words?
Unfortunately, language is based on concepts, duality being one of them. Could the idea of being a "self", after seeing through it, become more and more of a fictional and practical everyday function and less and less of an identity?
After awakening, it seems like this everyday life is kind of like a big game of pretend; we pretend we are our roles and act on them. Our speech is part of this game of pretend everyday as well.
Maybe we need to remind ourselves that we are pretending to be these characters we call me or I, even though we know it's not ultimately true. Yet, paradoxically it seems, even though this dream we call life isn't ultimately real we still have to live it and deal with it every day.
Right now I see the illusion of ego and a separate self as more of a practical functioning of consciousness and not an identity or being anything in particular. The words we speak or write/type are just concepts and labels anyway with no real substance. It's all Neti-Neti (not this,
not that).
This is long enough, so I'll finish this. Thank you for writing these reflective and insightful articles! Just wanted to share and express a bit here....