Before Truth, There’s This

The places you still edit yourself to be acceptable.

We say we want truth. But most of us are still performing. Not because we’re fake. But because it’s been unsafe to be real for so long, we forgot how. This piece isn’t a severance. It won’t tear down the structure. But it will show you where it’s still running. Subtle, reflexive self-editing. A hundred micro-abandonments a day. In the name of being “acceptable”, whatever that means.

How much of your life is built on trying not to be too much?

We say we want truth. We talk about freedom. But look closely.

Tears rise. You swallow. Again.

You feel anger, sharp, hot, honest, but silence it. Or you let it out, then apologize. Judge it. Collapse into shame.

You say yes when you mean no. You nod while something in you screams. You tell your child “everything’s okay” while you’re unraveling inside. You smile at your partner when what you feel is betrayal. You laugh at your coworker’s joke that makes your stomach turn. You call your mother every Sunday even though every call leaves you depleted, because that’s what a good son does.

And you don’t even think of it as lying.

You call it being kind. Being mature. Keeping the peace. But what it really is, is abandonment.

This is part of the prison. These subtle edits. These swallowed words. These quiet retreats from your own experience.

You don’t just lose honesty. You lose vitality. You lose clarity. You lose the raw pulse of knowing what is real.

Eventually, you don’t even know what you want anymore. Just what you're supposed to say. Supposed to feel. Supposed to need.

You think you're in control. But it's not power, it's suppression. It's fear disguised as composure. The careful silence and polite nod. The bite of the tongue. The agreement you didn’t mean. The smile you forced because it was easier than being seen.

This isn’t sovereignty. It’s selfabandonment made to look like emotional intelligence.

You feel it in your body. The throat tightens. The stomach drops. The chest contracts. And you go on pretending this is what it means to be a grounded human being.

But there is no freedom here.

What passes for emotional intelligence is often just wellrehearsed avoidance. What passes for kindness is often fear of being real.

You say you want truth. But you won't even let yourself be seen in your truth.

The instinct to hide is deep. The rules were learned early. Don't be too much. Don't upset them. Don't make it worse. And you survived that way. But now you're still living that way.

You call it love, but it's fear. You call it awareness, but it's selfediting. You call it being good, but it's being gone.

You want truth? Then see what this life is actually made of.

See the moments you retreat. The things you don’t say and the ways you shapeshift to keep things calm. The thoughts you don’t share and the tears you hold back. The silence you maintain. The yes you fake. The smile you wear. The truth you leave unsaid.

That’s what needs to burn.

Not because it’s wrong. But because it’s not authentic.

It was learned. And what’s learned can be unlearned.

Truth doesn’t need you to be anything. But it does demand that everything false be seen for what it is.

And still, you say you want truth.

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